Category: life

When dealing with someone who only wants a fight, the most important thing for you to do is survive and finish the conversation with as little fallout as possible. Always keep in mind: Whatever you speak to in a person is what you get more of.

If you speak to someone’s brokenness and wrath, you’ll get more. If you speak to someone’s hope and capability, you’ll get more of that also. Rebuking a character flaw will make the flaw grow. It doesn’t matter if you speak well of it or not, whatever you give attention to will grow.

Conflict is not the time to start parenting a child, even a childish adult, especially if you are the adult arguing with your child. When the other person doesn’t want to listen, just state your decision and end the conversation quickly; never state your reasons in a conflict.

People who want to fight want to do so because they are childish. Children must be “managed”. You can’t “manage” a child if you are one yourself. Conflicts with childish folk force us to grow up; it’s better to grow up before the conflict.

Recognize “stonewalling” and never do it. Shutting down a question, refusing to address a topic, rejecting any and all requests that you acknowledge a “point well made” from the other person—these are all stone walls. So is saying, “I just don’t want to argue. Can we just get along and stop now or at least talk about it later?” That comment is sure to make the conflict go nuclear. Always keep a door open to some level of conversation on every topic and point.

Sit like you want to listen, but stay relaxed with your weight shifted back so it doesn’t feel like you’re ready to pounce. That will tell everyone, including yourself, that relaxing is alright. Only shut down a topic for the remainder of the conversation if a person starts repeating what was already said or if a person crosses a line of “what’s acceptable”—and that line must be extremely hard to reach. One uncrossable line is demanding that others accept an opinion. Keep almost all else wide open for discussion.

Take ownership of your choices. The best way to do this is to keep your reasons, proofs, explanations, and defensive evidence to yourself.

The supreme proof that a choice is right comes in the resulting aftermath. Those who keep their silence until the ending evidence has the last word—through slander, provocative accusation, gossip, doubt, even coup and impeachment—will be left standing after the smoke clears.

There’s a time to talk, especially to delineate decisions and implement action, but those are different from babbling on about the justification and rationale for what you do. Of course, a little philosophy about why you do what you do won’t hurt, as long as you’re not using philosophy to build a case in your defense or trying to prove that a genius is a genius. Just talk as you need in order to finish the task at hand. Don’t fall for the trap of someone asking you why you did what you did as a way of convincing you to do something differently.

If you are a fool and headed in the wrong direction, listen to the voice of wisdom, but don’t change merely because someone debated your reasons. If you should change, proof that another way will succeed requires no discussion about your reasons for the failed method. That works in reverse as you deal with other people. Keep your eyes on your own path, never why another path is wrong—and never let others tell you why your path is wrong, but only why another path might be better. Once you’ve heard them out, make your decision and press on.

Don’t explain yourself; friends don’t care and enemies won’t accept your reasons anyway. When you reject “indefinite discussion until others agree with you”, those others will call you “unfriendly”, when the underlying issue is that you disagree. Stay on task.

Actions speak louder than words, let them. Cultivate this reputation so people already know your answer when they ask why you do what you do, “Because I want the results that follow.” Eventually they will stop asking, then you can focus on your task. If you deliberate, it’s because you value discussion more than results.

There is a language that some people speak and it is only known by other people who speak that language. It is a language of “success”, built on a set of presuppositions about what it takes to succeed.

This is not superstitiously-defined “success”, presuming that “success” is a certain lifestyle or amount of money or fame. This kind of “success” is literal, only meaning that one achieves whatever one attempts.

People who speak this “success” language say what they mean and mean what they say. Their “yes” means “yes” and their “no” means “no”. So, they are not fond of needing to say things twice.

They never enter a situation without knowing what they want to do and being absolutely determined to “succeed” in getting it. Their goal may not be what you think. They might enter a sales conversation with the goal to understand someone, not to make a sale. Even if they don’t make a sale, they will understand that person—as was their goal—and it will benefit them because all of their goals will help them to “succeed” with other goals.

As customers, they know what they want or they know what things they don’t know about what they want. They may not know what they need to purchase, but once the salesman answers their questions, they might instantly make a purchase. This can surprise salesmen because most customers don’t speak the language of “success”. For many, “sales” is about manipulating people who are “success” illiterate.

As Christians, “success” presumes obeying the Bible—living by Biblical morals, loving others, being responsible, worshiping Jesus above all—the usual Christian values. When they meet another person who claims to be Christian, they will interact with that person under Christian assumptions unless they doubt whether that person is a reliable, genuine Christian. The same applies to political, economic, and any other ideals.

The secret of “success” language is to maintain the presumptions. If you speak the language of “success”, when you encounter people who don’t, they will try to “teach” you, presuming that you don’t understand something. Actually, they are the ones learning. The best thing you can do is maintain your “success” presuppositions.

We must work for whatever we have, otherwise we will not understand what we have and thereby get ourselves into trouble. Few things harm the poor like unearned money dolled out. To a money-savvy society, even the poor will not accept a handout because they don’t want to shortchange their “money skills”, which improve only by working to earn their keep. Their choice is part of dignity, another reason why the wise poor man will not accept handouts.

There is no folly in being poor, only in seeking results greater than one’s own work. This seems cold-hearted to people who do not understand money. It also seems like a lame excuse to not give away money. But, there are other ways to be charitable and show liberality of the “Noble Habitus”. One example is God’s command in Deuteronomy to exercise liberality with debt and when harvesting crops. Food and clothing are another way.

Business opportunities are another opportunity for charity. Say you know a poor man. Consider giving him a business plan that is very difficult for him to fail with if he merely shows up and works. Embed in it a chance to help him grow his own money as a business owner, using money you might otherwise donate to charity. “Risking” money with him could tip dominoes to help many more people—all because one are of neglected poverty is “money smarts”. Give him the opportunity to observe money as it moves through accounts, teaching only by example how money works—no lecturing. If he fails, you can forgive him and the interaction with you might have demonstrated more shrewd godliness than he had opportunity to learn elsewhere.

Financial poverty is often but a symptom of other types of poverty, including healthy rants around the dinner table where the wise, strong-minded, wealthy leaders teach virtues unknowable through public education. Take a few disadvantaged youth golfing, buy them the proper attire in the name of “proper dress”; give it to them “because you don’t fit his size”; demonstrate liberality while others saves face. Walking and swinging on the fairway, they may rub shoulders with people they might otherwise never get close enough to smell.

If people can’t fix a problem then they may not complain about the annoying, rude, unpolished people who accomplish the good thing that they couldn’t.

Tyrants complain about a problem, never solve it, amass power, and fight those who actually solve problems.

While many rules are silly—especially laws made by godless people—at some point there are good rules. The good rules get thrown into the mix of bad rules, then people ignore both the good and the bad. Because the good rules are ignored, problems arise. The only way to fix the problem is to enforce the good rules and/or replace bad rules with good rules, but there is the deeper problem.

It’s never fun to start following rules, even if they are good, whether they are new or old. Enforcing rules can’t be done in a nice enough manner that no one will object. At some point, laying down the law becomes a necessity and it’s never politically correct. When the time comes to lay down the law, people will fight back.

When so resisted, don’t fall for the “boycott” trap—that one’s non-customers can dictate that one not do the right thing. Letting your enemies tell you how to fight them will destroy you. Listen to the people in your base—your customers, your supporting voters, your family, your team. Follow that rule and lay down the law of who you listen to and who you do not listen to.

This will inevitably anger your enemy; expect it, don’t take time to discuss or ponder it when it happens.

When a car starts, it makes noise. When snow falls it is colder outside. In the morning, the sun comes up. And, when you lay down the law, criminals complain. None of this is newsworthy.

There are two types of criminals who complain when good laws are enforced: the malicious criminals, but also the self-appointed “tone police”. People who claim to support your ideas, but not your method—and thus want you to cease enforcement—secretly support the criminals and they might not even admit so to themselves. Every devil was once an angels who simply wouldn’t lay down the good law.

If you tell people you have a problem, they will try to help you with it.

Don’t talk about your problems unless you want help, specifically stating what help you need, even if the only help you need is patience. When people tell you that they have problems, don’t fall into the trap of trying to troubleshoot without first asking what kind of specific help, if any, you can give them.

Always ask if people need help when they broadcast their problems; this will address many a dilemma—the manipulator trying to blackmail through guilt, the complaining gossiper addicted to bad news, and the person who really does need help. If you ask, but the person keeps talking about the problem, make your best guess and give the person a referral, either a professional’s phone number or a book title or something else of the sort that fits your guess. Don’t let anyone complain indefinitely; complaints and problems must be resolved—and it remains everyone’s responsibility to help each other with mutual dignity, swiftness, and giving whatever space and encouragement we each need to get through the normal challenges in life.

By taking everything literally and always being respectful, you won’t need to read people’s minds to know how to respond.

In general, don’t talk about your problems and don’t talk long with people who often do. Keep your problems to yourself, explain the short version so people know what they need to know without hearing your life story. If you don’t need help, don’t talk like you do.

When troubled, be diplomatic, say that you are having a crazy day—but that you are getting through alright; find a way to manage and act like everything is okay. In doing this, you will uncover hidden strength as someone others can depend on. God will often send you secret help that only you know about and other people will never know your car had catastrophic, spontaneous engine failure, only that you were five minutes late in your crazy day, but you kept smiling and politely apologized for your tardiness.

One day you may truly need help. So, keep a reputation for not broadcasting your problems.

Identify any problems in your heart that you feel a “ping” or unction to talk about. Search them out, then dig them out. As you weed the gardens of your life, learn to accept other people living in their own self-made sorrow while you focus on your task.

Sometimes you need counseling, other times simple reflection, perhaps books on “emotional healing”, certainly Bible study with prayer, but, often times, just ignoring your “inner issues” and focusing on work is the best way to make them go away—but each of these must have its day.

Whatever you say to others, make sure it is a grace to those who hear, that it is appropriate and right for the current situation. Don’t jump on your soapbox all because you feel some unction to deal with an issue you sense lurking in the shadows of your own soul. Just keep doing a good job in everything, “remain present” to your circumstances, and God will bring any lingering issues to the surface in His time. If you try to bring other people’s issues to the surface, then you are probably just trying to wrestle with your own unresolved issues; doing so while while with other people is a failure to “remain present” with your current situation.

Deal with your inner issues when you’re alone or in good counsel. When you do, don’t fear tears. God wasn’t errant when He created us with tear glands. Jesus gave us tears because we need them from time to time. Denying tears their necessary flow is not “grown up” or “manly”, it only stunts emotional growth, leading to “old babies in adult bodies”. Usually, trying to conceal tears “in order to be mature” is the same problem as wanting to talk from a soapbox at inappropriate times.

Stewing about “what someone did to you” is, frankly, petty. See yourself as bigger than your assailants and contenders. When talking to anyone flustered, rude toward everyone, but not blaming you specifically, it’s not an attack; just love them and give them sunshine. Growing bigger than pettiness can be your early answer to challenges, whether from your assailants or people just having a bad day.